Was I scared? How can I make so many jokes? Why didn\u2019t I take it more seriously? I guess it\u2019s my coping mechanism; to find the absurd. Sometimes it\u2019s the humor in a dark situation, sometimes it\u2019s darkness and sadness in moments that are happy. I think it\u2019s a fear of being stuck in everyone else\u2019s extremes. I like to be in the eye of the storm; where things are quiet, but far from over.<\/p>\n
But yeah, I should have been more scared. The biggest thing that I was dealing with was frustration. Once I realized that I couldn\u2019t fix myself, I became quickly frustrated that I couldn\u2019t find someone that could fix me.\u00a0 <\/span>I had finally given in to seeking outside help, and it seemed like they knew as much about what was wrong as I did.\u00a0 <\/span>I was frustrated with taking another blood test. I was frustrated having to take antibiotics for two weeks, to see if that would fix things. I was frustrated when the doctors sent me to get ultrasounds, the results of which gave no answers. I was frustrated going to bed each night between two towels, with two more next to me because I was going to sweat them all through. I was frustrated at measuring the night out by the number of times I went to the bathroom. On a good night it would only be 8 times.<\/p>\n I was getting pissed off. I wanted to go back to August. I wanted to have my life back. I wanted to run on the beach. I wanted to sip rum and coke, dance, and travel. Finally, I hit bottom. I gave up. I stopped caring what happened to me.\u00a0 <\/span>I was defeated.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t think defeat is something you admit. Rather, it\u2019s something that happens when you stop believing in yourself. It\u2019s the monster that tears you apart because you stopped running.<\/p>\n Then I got lucky. Really lucky. I was lucky to have friends that didn\u2019t give up on me. I was lucky to have a doctor that wouldn\u2019t let me fall through the cracks. I was lucky that I got dropped off at Jackson Memorial Hospital, equipped with a top-notch staff that was able to recognize tuberculosis, and save my life. I was lucky that my friends, my family, and the medical staff believed that it was a life worth saving. Because I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n There are times that I think back to that time, when the grim reaper’s shadow looked over me, and I have a quiet moment. It\u2019s a reflection and commitment to never give up on myself again. It\u2019s a commitment to never give up on my friends. It\u2019s a commitment to never give up on anyone, nor be complacent to let others give into defeat.<\/p>\n Now I need to think of a joke.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Was I scared? How can I make so many jokes? Why didn\u2019t I take it more seriously? I guess it\u2019s my coping mechanism; to find the absurd. Sometimes it\u2019s the … <\/p>\n