So there is a fear. I recognize it completely. It’s not a fear of dying, I can’t control that. Yes, I am in the hospital. Yes, I am a lot better than before. No I am not “cured”. It can take a long time to be cured of this thing. I’m not waiting to be cured, because that’s all that is. Waiting. You just take the pills and follow the program and take the blood tests. It’s all just stuff. That’s got nothing to do with my fear.<\/p>\n
My fear that I is that I won’t be able to share the way that I have changed, learned abut myself and grown since I got here. My fear is in losing my mind before I can help people to understand that I am in a good place, and I want them to be in a good place.<\/p>\n
I had a weak moment where I started crying because my brain was tired, and I kept trying to tell my buddy
\n“Listen, if I don’t wake up tomorrow, I need you to tell people that I was happy. I need them to know that.”
\nAnd he kept saying that nothing was going to happen to me. Argh, yes, maybe not tonight. But when I feel my brain exhausted because I wrote one page with a pen and paper, and I can’t hold my eyes open, I have to recognize that there is a very real possibility that I might not wake up tomorrow.<\/p>\n
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me and lucky for themselves that they don’t have this disease that they don’t understand. I feel sorry for them because we all have a disease. We all have something that’s going to take us out of this game. But we don’t all find happiness before that happens.
\nMaybe I shouldn’t use happy. Maybe the word is “at peace” I want to know about their peace. I want to know what place they are in mentally and spiritually. I want to get into their brains and run around. That’s a lot to ask of someone. Probably one of the hardest things to give actually.
\nBesides, I’m not sitting in the hospital with a terminal sentence. I’m in rehabilitation, which means I’m expected to make enough recovery to stroll out of here, not be delivered on ice. So brighten up folks! I’m on the right path.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So there is a fear. I recognize it completely. It’s not a fear of dying, I can’t control that. Yes, I am in the hospital. Yes, I am a lot … <\/p>\n